People watching is one of my all time favourite things to do. There's nothing more fun than checking out random strangers, making fun of them or making up their life stories as they pass by. It's also good for the hilarity value as people do some pretty dumb shit when they don't think anyone is watching or don't care if they are.

I just came back from spending a week in Brisbane.  I didn't have a car so I  had to make do with catching buses and trains and walking. Seriously, how the fuck to people live without their own transport? Friday I was on public transport for 3 fucking hours to get 20km away from where I was staying. How stupid is that?

Anyway, the point of this is that during my horrendous forays into pedestrianism and wandering around the city bored out of my brain because my stupid friends never show up I've been able to observe an incredible number of Brisbanites in their native environment and document their behaviour. Findings below.

• Emo scene kids are incredibly lazy. I got into the city very early one morning and headed past the Hungry Jacks in Queen St mall where they all hang out. Not sure why scene kids are all drawn to HJ's but they seem to congregate around the HJs in the city in Melbourne too. There was one incredibly unattractive girl sitting down outside, arms and legs akimbo, messy hair, tattered tights, smeared makeup, patchy badly bleached hair with a fat face yelling things at her 'friends'. 5 hours later I walked past again and she was still there, sitting in exactly the same position with the same group of badly dressed friends. Lazy bitch. Get a job!

• Eagle St Pier is where all the serious suits hang out. Sure, there are suits in the city, but the SERIOUS suits hang out drinking their soy decaf lattes down the Eagle St strip. The women have the highest heels, the sharpest cut clothes (and I don't necessarily mean that they look snazzy, but that the edges on their outfit could cut you in half) and bucketloads of makeup on that makes them look orange and bitchy. Underneath that makeup they might be quite attractive women but I think they go out of their way to paint on their bitchface in order to be taken seriously in the cutthroat world of corporate whatevers. I saw several men riding to work on Segways because obviously their expensive Italian shoes are too precious to ruin by walking the 200m from the ferry stop to their office. Pretentious gits! It's BRISBANE, not fucking New York. Neither man nor woman had a hint of a smile anywhere near their faces, it was definitely scowl city. You could feel the tension in the air. Oh, and I was wearing a skirt with Doc Martens and when I walked past the suits their eyes would flicker and their scowls deepen as I was obviously nothing but scum. Har. You fuckers are gonna work for me one day soon!

• The stereotype about Woodridge being a scary place is definitely true. The Woodridge train station is probably the scariest place I've ever had the misfortune to be. I'd rather take my chances with the ghosts in an abandoned mental asylum.

• Teenagers are dickheads. I got on a train one night (after I accidentally caught the Gold Coast express) and three teenagers were getting into trouble from the train police dudes for not having a ticket. Two boys and one girl. The older boy was 14 and was obviously trying to impress the girl by being a rude shit to the police dude and the younger boy was 13, sitting a few chairs away and while his friends were being interrogated he amused himself by yelling insults to them. Yes, I do know how old they are because the cop dudes asked them. Once the cop dudes had taken down all their information the boy trying to impress the girl yelled all sorts of insults out to the cops about his apparent dubious parentage, then the parentage of everyone else on the train along with a mixed bag of other rubbish. The cops came back and told him if he didn't shut up he'd be having a very unpleasant night which quietened him until the point where the cops moved to the next car and he started up again. Twat.

• Women in jewelry shops can't handle ordinary women, only bridezillas. While shopping for my wedding ring I had the misfortune to come into contact with several jewelry saleswomen who were all very rude to me when they found out that my wedding was less than 3 weeks away and I hadn't bothered buying my rings yet. They were even colder still when asking what carat my engagement ring is and I had to confess I didn't know. Turns out it's a rather fancy expensive one, but it could be made of stainless steel and cubic zirconia for all I care, it's shiny and pretty and fits - surely that's all that matters? Unfortunately saying that didn't win me friends either and they lectured me on why you must have a wedding band of the same carat or the lesser carat ring will attack and murder the one of the higher carat. I got another scolding when I mentioned I live in Cairns, didn't know when I was going back there and that I didn't mind if the ring I picked wouldn't be ready in time. By the time I was finished I felt like a naughty little schoolgirl who hadn't done her assignments and was in danger of flunking womanhood.

• Video game stores tend to hire a ridiculous amount of boys with flat ironed fringes and plugs in their ears to manage their stores. If their hair isn't flat ironed then it's styled in a way that makes it impossible to determine their sexual orientation. They are all twatty posers who think that just because I am a woman I would be interested in shit games like The Sims. Hello? I've been fucking around gaming since before you wankers were even born. I bet they couldn't even tell me what an Amiga is, let alone recall a single game made for it or be able to discuss the differences between gaming then and gaming today without saying "oh but the graphics today are like way cooler than the olden days".  When it comes to nerds, I reign supreme bitches. Oh, I thought I might mention that there is an exception to this rule, which is James. Because he's awesome and doesn't have flat ironed hair. He's prone to mohawks. Mohawks > flat ironed twats.

• People who like to pretend they are cool because they are "so random and unpredictable" are actually fairly predictable in their behaviour - i.e. they are just arseholes to people because it gives them attention. They definitely aren't cool.

• If you get a group of individually decent people together of one particular 'scene' or 'group', it turns into a pissing contest about whatever their particular passion happens to be. Nerds argue about the value of rolling a destruction warlock as opposed to a mage in World of Warcraft, geeks argue about absolutely everything from games to political science and metalheads argue about who has the more brutal tattoos and make fun of people whos tattoos don't depict some grisly scene or are a homage to their favourite bands.

• When you're dreading someone bringing up a particular topic in conversation it's guaranteed that the minute you think you're safe - BOOM! - there it is.

• African women wear very little makeup. There's no need to really, they're all bloody stunning. You could put an African woman wearing a hessian sack next to a white chick dolled up to the nines and the white chick would come off looking like trash.

I'm sure there was more that I'd thought of but right now I can't remember.